Posted in Blog

Contemplations and the Complexities of Getting Older

This weekend we celebrated my birthday, and since it fell on a weekend day, I claimed Friday evening through Sunday as mine. We kept it low key, because ::gestures wildly:: but we were able to snag some scheduled time at our community pool and hang out with a few friends. All in all, a great weekend.

Getting older always seems to result in complex feelings for me. On one hand, I’ve never been bothered by the fact I’m getting older. I’ve always felt like a 45-year-old woman, so my age is just starting to catch up with my brain.

I’ve always been that person who wants to get a job they love (done!) and have a husband and kids they adore (done!) with a sweet dog at her feet (done!). As far as I’m concerned, I’ve got it all and hopefully many years to enjoy it. So, I don’t look at my birthday as a reminder of all the things I wanted to do with my life and haven’t yet achieved.

What I always find myself thinking around my birthday is how strange it will be to age passed my brother who died when he was 42. I don’t think he got all the things he wanted to accomplish in life. It’s been almost ten years since he died by suicide. Although time teaches one to deal with the loss, the pain never goes away. Most of the time, I’m able to deal with the ache of his missing presence. Since we were adults who lived far away from each other, we weren’t a daily part of each other’s lives. Birthdays are rough though. My brother never got to meet my boys or visit me in our current home. He has missed so much. He is missed so much.

I remember one birthday he promised to buy me the best present if I picked chocolate cake with chocolate icing for my birthday. That wasn’t a hard sell since it is my favorite. I really wanted a bike that year. My parents gave me enough money to buy one, but my brother bought me a helmet. I was young and thought to myself, “Huh? A helmet is the best present?” But it really was! There’s no way that my parents were going to let me ride a bike without one, and I definitely didn’t have money in my budget to get it. I’d forgotten all about the need for a helmet. And, anyone in my family will attest to the safety equipment being the epitome of the type of gift my family gives. We are a protective bunch.

Well, this post took a turn, but it captures how I’ve been feeling about my birthday this year. Here’s to remembering those we love, making more happy memories today, and looking ahead to better times. (Is 2020 over yet?!)

Photo by Becky Fantham on Unsplash

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